How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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