I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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