I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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