Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
