I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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