ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
