Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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