I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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