overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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