Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm passing your future prison.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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