I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
