Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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