Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
