your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm always down for nudity.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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