then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
