you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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