apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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