Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
