I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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