Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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