One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
