i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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