if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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