then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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