fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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