I must be too annoying 4 u.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think my fart just growled at me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
