Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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