You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
