There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
