I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
