Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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