good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
