True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
