Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
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He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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