i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
