In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.