My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.