Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.