smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.