cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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