You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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