Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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