I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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