Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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