Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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