none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
