Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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