he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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