I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
