you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
