Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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