??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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