i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
