Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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