i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
