How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
