Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
