So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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