if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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