haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
